Crey.

So if anyone doesn't know, I've always had this little shoujo 少女 living in part of my persona. I love to read mangas and have read a fair share of shoujo mangas in the past few years. Well, it's good to have a bit of fantasy and romance sometimes you know.

Man.. so I have this habit of not being able to stop after I have started on a new manga series and always ended up reading them up till very late at night. This is something I would have to stop as the examinations are coming up.. and I guess I will, starting today.

So there is this one manga author and artist called Seo Kouji, who I think is a master in portraying and developing a romantic plot infused with multiple plot twists and such. The great thing about 3 of his works that I have read, Suzuka, Kimi no Iru Machi and Fuuka, are that their plot takes place mainly in high school up til college/university, which I can deeply relate to. Well, ecchi in the manga is also one of his specialty I guess, with occasional fan services (guys would enjoy this) intertwined between the chapters.

So yeah, one typical genre of romance in manga is to feature a guy as the main character and surround him with girls who fancy him. And things always happen with those girls, sometimes a love triangle, sometimes some tragic incidents. After reading this genre for so long, I assumed that I am quite immune to those incoming plot twists.

But no,

Last night, I was binge reading Fuuka, trying to catch up to the latest chapter.. and I think a part of me regretted the decision. Fuuka was an amazing girl in the manga, always high spirits and cheerful and obviously, she and the main character fell in love with each other. It was in the mid chapters which their relationship really started to bloom and I was expecting some sweet moments following in the future. But no, something tragic happened and my heart immediately shattered. I wasn't ready for that shock, but still, I persisted on reading the following chapters, about 40 chapters more I think. There were several moments in the manga really made my tears flow, literally.. the feeling was indescribable.

I thought about the times which I had cried due to a manga or anime,
I did it on Anohana, Barakoman, Sket-dance and now Fuuka. I don't even know man, especially in Anohana, my tears were pouring from episode 1 right till 12 (the end). The effect of tv dramas and movies are not as intense compared to what mangas are able to provide me.

Mangas are stationary boxes of drawings that somehow plays in your mind like a movie. Room of imagination is just what you need to make everything come alive.

But still maaan, Fuuka.. why do you do this to my fragile heart. Now I am really longing for the progress of the storyline.


Signing off with a heartache,


Jayden

One night.

Tonight, being in solitude, I am just going to tell a tale.

The tale goes like this,

Being an international student and all is amazing; embracing the different cultures and opportunities is amazing.

But occasionally, when the right song strikes the right mood, it makes you hope that you're back home again,

Back at a place where your friends are at. No, not just normal friends, but friends that you have shared fond memories in the past, friends who would just sit there for hours, listen to you blabbering about the mundane routines of the life that you're having.

When I am tired of work and all the distractions happening around me, I tend to lay on my bed and just stare blankly at the ceiling. Alternatively, I would just stand by my room's window and stare at the beautiful scenery which Exeter is able to offer me outside.

Life is a game, I've never changed that perspective since I had it 2 years back. The controller is our mind and how we play it determines our outcome. But life is a funny game, you can be victorious in every stages of life but in the end we all come down to this final ending - game over.

As simple as that.

I have just returned from my one and only trip.. but I don't feel thoroughly satisfied. It is not because the trip wasn't fun, but I need a trip which I can just let myself go. A trip which I can think nothing but just relaxation. The recent trip, I got really boiled sometimes, because of indecisiveness, minor arguments and the lack of tolerance. They were all small matters but being a guy who cares about everyone's decisions, the frustration in me built up. But as usual, I tried my best to keep the smile on.

It is an image that I have built for myself, a clown mask that I normally put on. I want to bring happiness in people's life, no matter momentarily or permanently. It is my life ambition, no joke. Seeing somebody smile or laugh because of what I say or do brings satisfaction to me.

But sometimes, the cost of satisfaction can be painful. It carves an image of playfulness and immaturity that gets labelled on my back. Over time, these attributes are molded into me and it would end up as how people  judge me as an individual.

Although that, this mask is a mask that I need to keep for life. Only in front of someone who I trust, only can I shed it off. The face behind the mask, the real face, can be scary for some.. and I do not want to drive people away from me. The urges, the no-nos, the instincts, are all being suppressed by this mere cover of me.

Ahh, loneliness is such a funny thing.. it makes you think so much, hence, this blog post. Weirdly, the feeling can come during times which you are not lonely at all. How to get rid of this feeling, I have no idea.

What is this source of loneliness?.. The answer to this is what I yearn for.

What is source of MY loneliness?.. Is it the urge to see some familiar faces again? Or is it the pain of waiting for the texts of that favourite someone?

I don't know.

The only thing I need right now,

Is probably a hug,

And someone to tell me,

'Stay strong. I am here for you.'


Jayden.