Trauma

When I was standard 6, I wasn't expose to any horror films, any scary manga, novels, anime or all sorts. I was an innocent kid back then, living without fear, being optimistic all the time, being absorbed to every little things I did.

And one day, everything changed.

It was a hot evening, I was in my study room. The house was quiet, only the sound of the television of what my mother's watching could be heard coming from downstairs. I was in a dreamy condition as far as I recalled, and all of a sudden, I received a Powerpoint file from my friend. Out of curiosity, I downloaded and opened it

It showed a series of powerpoint slideshows and the story goes..

194x, A girl from Ipoh suicide head down and broke her neck in front of the female changing room, and for a long time, that room is sealed off from the rest. No one know what happened, and what's the reason the room was sealed.

Until one day, a security guard wanted to break the myth and entered the room. He was looking around thinking nothing until, he found himself locked inside the room. He was afraid, and quickly hid under the bench.

I was standard 6 that time, I didn't have any sense of urgency. And this came from my friend, so I thought, it might just be a story.

So I read on.

'I see you'

'I see you now'

And all of a sudden, a female face popped out. It was 3-D.. a girl looking like its from reality with blood flowing out of her eyes. In background screams could be heard. I was fucking shocked.. my whole body trembled, my mind flickered. Quickly, I clicked, hoping that the slideshown will end.

Nope.

As I clicked, the next face came closer. I was fucking scard. And with the next click it finally ended.

"Your slideshow has ended, please click to exit."

I clicked, I was back to reality. But this time my mind's blown, out of proportion, I was like a glass, shattered with shadows of the face imprinted on it. I was mad. I could still remembered, It was close to my tuition. And I told my mom, I'm cycling to tuition. Ended up exiting the house, cycling around the neighbourhood, trying to calm myself and remove this trace of shit.

It didn't work.

I couldn't focus in tuition. I still remembered that day. I suffered a mental breakdown. I was worried. I didn't there to look anywhere. I had no mood to talk to my friends. I was afraid to even touch the com and go online. Worst thing still, I had trauma.

That's why, until now, I fear of being shocked.

And now, it all came back. After years of avoiding scary things.

Disturbance.

Recently, Martin showed a horror story in facebook. And Xiang wanted to show me. And so, Martin posted it on my wall. I found myself scrolling down the page on my Samsung. All of a sudden, a photo popped out. I was terrified, right in the middle of moral studies, and quickly screen locked my phone. Martin was sitting in front of me, so I literally threatened him to remove the thing before I even raped his sorry ass.

Thank god, he removed.

I was still okay that time, as I knew what was coming.

But today, I was turning my back talking during the class of Malaysian studies, and suddenly Xiang called me.

I turned my body and immediately my eyes laid on that photo. In that single second, I cursed and immediately turned my eyes away. Again, the image reprinted on my mind. My mind was unstable. I almost broken down into tears. And I know I can't beat the trauma. Fear engulfed me. It always did.

I sat there, with the image flowing in my mind for a few secs. I tried to rest myself, thinking everything would just fade away.

But only thing that came to me my mind was.. Why did she do it?

Why, after I told her that I'm really afraid of such things, and she still showed me and brought fear to me.

I had confessed again and again, I scared of shocking things, disturbing things, shocking things. Things that appeared all of a sudden. And yet, this was what I got.

Many people might feel funny, that this is just the picture, I haven't even read it yet.

But enough is enough, I can't even pass the first stage, what should I take to go to the second.


At that time, I didn't know what was coming, I was thinking of her finding me for a discussion, for a talk, and I ended up with that photo. All of a sudden.

That killed me. And at that thought, I was thinking of killing myself so I do not need to suffer from all these freaky, disturbing things for coming out all of a sudden.

I'm coward. I'm sorry.

Something out of Nothing..

Just came back from my first CNY dinner. It's my first time having wine again since the end 2012. Yeahhhh.. the flavor is back man.

So last Friday, I was caught up with shit man. I was playing basketball with my friends, and I attempted to do some streetball moves, so I kinda threw the ball towards my friend's back. Then all of a sudden, he gone mad at me, and suddenly came forward to me and asked me for a fight. Wow, it was like a true basketball game man. I was damn shocked, he suddenly came up to me and said "Wan fight isit? Come lar."

Shit got real. I was like 'omfg, what should I do'.. Then I go straight up to him and we were like face to face. Our friends gathered and seperated us. So I just walked on, I was like, screw it I'm so not playing tricks anymore.

Okay, so that guy's name is Joseph.

Joseph is a fun and cheerful guy. Seeing him turn all bellicose all of the sudden seriously stunned me. After walking halfway, I turned around and saw him smiling at me and said 'Hahaha.. Gotcha.'

WTFFFFFFFFFF.

My god, someone please give him the Oscar Award man. The heck, he acted like he's gonna fight me a minute ago and all of a sudden he put on a smile and said he was joking.

Goddd, I was like 'man.. are you really kidding..' I don't know what he thinks man..

It's just the 3rd week and I thought I was going to get in trouble already. He scared the living shit out of me.

I ended up apologizing in the Whatsapp group.. then.. Edwin and Lenard started spinning a yarn.

After I apologized, I went to sleep. Then, when I woke up.. I saw I had 159 new messages.

Well the story ended up..

Me and Joseph was fighting for a lollipop.. and I smacked Joseph's lollipop on the ground. And Joseph threw the basketball on my face. I got a nosebleed. Joseph went Muhammad Ali and almost killed me. I was terribly wounded.

Okay... ._.

Nothing I could say..

This song just surges into my head. The lyrics beat in my mind so loudly. The meaning and riffs of the chorus that is so strong and impactful..

You're gone

Such a fool
To think that I could go though life alone
A difficult rash decision

I refuse to see
How I needed your help to complete
And reinforce my existence

What's left to say?
Except for you're the reason,
The reason for me being

You gave me strength,
The strength to be something,
To be something better

Searching for another way
To steal a second chance
I pray for absolution (absolution)

Now I know that I'm
Missing your calm clarity
You were the one that listened (one that listens)

What's left to say?
Except for you're the reason
The reason for me being (for me being)

You gave me strength,
The strength to be something,
To be something better.

What's (what's) left to say
Except for you're the reason

Except for you're the reason
You're gone

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Nothing I could say
Could bring you back tomorrow (nothing I could say)

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Nothing I could say
Could dissipate my sorrow

All I had to
Do was let you
Know

What's left to say?
Except for you're the reason
The reason for me being (for me being)

You gave me strength
The strength to be something
To be something better

To be something better
To be something better (what's left to say?)

To be something better
To be something better (what's left to say?)

To be something better
To be something better (what's left to say?)

You make me feel
Something better

*PS. Jeanno, I will update my blog later this evening or night. (: 

Crumbling into Pieces..

Hola readers..

It's been 2 weeks since I entered HELP college.. and happily I can say that, I am slowly adjusting to the college lifestyle. The schedule's kinda relaxing and the it isn't really stressful up to this point. However, my lecturers are constantly pushing and stressing the importance of scoring and doing well in A-levels, especially in the first term exams. 

This is the first time I kinda feel stressed out. I didn't have an idea how the questions in college exams are gonna be like. The way they are going to ask, or mark the paper, it's simply hard to pinpoint and score good grades for it. They call it A-levels, 'A level above the rest' that's why the stress is on man.

Not to mention there're still Moral and Malaysian Studies. And I'm the leader of both groups. Crap lah weih. Being in the same group with friends, ended up Me who's gonna lead the who team.

Oh, I got another classical guitar, I guess this will be my final piece of instrument for the classical genre. The sound is pretty and I like the gripping, neck the overall of the guitar. Hopefully I can perform well and do well with it. :)

Though that, I'm still waiting for my Multi-fix and my Schecter Hellraiser.. Probably coming in March.

Then we will do some guitar covers yeah? :P

An Opposite of Life..

During Undang Exam, I made a new friend called Kok Boon. We were from the same driving agency, thus ended up at the same place for Undang Exam. His first sight didn't give me the best impression; he dyed his hair blonde, had tattoo right around his upper arm, leg and a small bit on his hand. He wore a single earring at his left ear, which I honestly thought was cool and wanted to get one, but my parents strongly disagreed with the idea. So, I went to talk to him.. still he gave me that intimidating look that made me feel like he's gonna bring my gang and gang bang me anytime.

After talking to him, I found that he's a dropout of school after PMR, and went straight to the Hair Styling Academy to learn how to hairstyle. Now, at the same age as me, he's already making money himself in a hair salon. We had a great conversation, talking about each others life.. he saying his life living in freedom and I saying my life full of studying and tuition..  There was a point which I explained my admiration for his type of life, those who can enjoy life at the max, and learn a lot through experience.. however come to think of, he told me he did not have much friends.. only colleagues and upper seniors in his academy.

I couldn't bear to think life not having any friends.

So, the queue was apparently long, and we went to the nearby mamak. There were 3 of us Me, Kok Boon and Kiat Yao, my long lost tuition friend. So Kiat Yao and I started ordering some food to fill our hunger whereas Kok Boon started to smoke. As he was smoking, he kept advising us not to smoke, as he knew the danger, there was no turning back.. there might be.. but then rehabilitation is a tough process.

Well we sat at mamak and chatted about a while until our turn was up. Kiat Yao went into the room first, anxious. I went into the room next, confidently, Ha.. its the truth. Then it was Kok Boon's turn. At the end Kiat Yao and I passed with me getting 48 and him 45. Kok Boon failed no doubt with a mark of 29. He ended up cursing every where.. Hahaha.. seriously lmao.



Well, Kok Boon was one the most interesting person which I knew. Although we left no contacts anymore, I really hope to meet him again. Although he came out to the society at such a young age of 15.. he did not get affected by any bad influence.. except maybe for smoking, and was able to work hard and brush himself up to continue learning no matter from books or from academy. I wish that he have a great hairstyling career ahead of him and I look forward to cross paths with him one day.

Happy 2013 all :D

It's the 3rd day of 2013, sorry for being a little late, kinda worn out after being in college for 2 days..

So, this is a quick summary of what I had been doing these 3 days.

1st Jan 2013

I was in 1U then, sitting by the open air car park with Dragon, Bear, Jing Wei and Hui En, looking at the night sky and prepare for countdown. We took a couple of pictures as the fireworks blasted and exploded in the night sky, dressing it with beautiful colours. Well, it was my first time counting down with friends. Though,  I missed the group hug and walked home early with Bear. Well, he didn't look good that time, probably due to the tiredness. After reaching his stop, I literally sprinted back home, and updated my statuses, it was already 12.30 by then. Later on, I took a quick shower and got upstairs. It was already 1.30 by then. Chatted with Mei Xin and Bel for a while, but due to the tiredness of my own, I collapsed onto the bed.

2nd Jan 2013

Start of college, as I walked towards the staircase leading me down to the underground University of Help, I saw Xiang in front of me. We had been in contact for the day before, both of us kinda excited. So saw Tek, Yenn, Jun, Yi Zhe, JunWei, Wei Jian, and a couple more secondary and primary schoolmates. Got to know around the campus. It was like a maze.. something like Taman Jaya except you see buildings all around the place instead of trees. Well, got some briefing and signed my offer letter. Had lunch with JunWei in McD then went home.

3rd Jan 2013

Came early with Xiang Jun Wei and Tek to take the shuttle bus there so we get to register quickly for our MQA subjects. Unfortunately, there was already a long queue by the time we arrived there. Xiang collected her ID card, and she used her secondary photo. Yay haha.. :P Anyways, this day, briefing about the subjects was carried out. All the lecturers were cool and clear and actually frightening, as in, saying about the statistics and stuffs. Had lunch with Xiang and her primary friend Chuan Jiet at Subway. My second time eating their sandwiches. :3 Not bad though.. haha. Went back, and got our timetable. Unfortunately, I got into the different group as Xiang, yerrr.. no one to help me at Bio liao.. haha. On the other hand, I entered into a group which I had little acquaintance..



Gaahhhhh.. Feel like changing group but, well, they say never know..
This was the feeling I got before I was transferred into S3 and everything turned out great.. :)
Hopefully everything will be fine tomorrow when I step into my class.. :D

Still gonna start off lonely again..


Hanarebanare itsu no watashi..