One night.

Tonight, being in solitude, I am just going to tell a tale.

The tale goes like this,

Being an international student and all is amazing; embracing the different cultures and opportunities is amazing.

But occasionally, when the right song strikes the right mood, it makes you hope that you're back home again,

Back at a place where your friends are at. No, not just normal friends, but friends that you have shared fond memories in the past, friends who would just sit there for hours, listen to you blabbering about the mundane routines of the life that you're having.

When I am tired of work and all the distractions happening around me, I tend to lay on my bed and just stare blankly at the ceiling. Alternatively, I would just stand by my room's window and stare at the beautiful scenery which Exeter is able to offer me outside.

Life is a game, I've never changed that perspective since I had it 2 years back. The controller is our mind and how we play it determines our outcome. But life is a funny game, you can be victorious in every stages of life but in the end we all come down to this final ending - game over.

As simple as that.

I have just returned from my one and only trip.. but I don't feel thoroughly satisfied. It is not because the trip wasn't fun, but I need a trip which I can just let myself go. A trip which I can think nothing but just relaxation. The recent trip, I got really boiled sometimes, because of indecisiveness, minor arguments and the lack of tolerance. They were all small matters but being a guy who cares about everyone's decisions, the frustration in me built up. But as usual, I tried my best to keep the smile on.

It is an image that I have built for myself, a clown mask that I normally put on. I want to bring happiness in people's life, no matter momentarily or permanently. It is my life ambition, no joke. Seeing somebody smile or laugh because of what I say or do brings satisfaction to me.

But sometimes, the cost of satisfaction can be painful. It carves an image of playfulness and immaturity that gets labelled on my back. Over time, these attributes are molded into me and it would end up as how people  judge me as an individual.

Although that, this mask is a mask that I need to keep for life. Only in front of someone who I trust, only can I shed it off. The face behind the mask, the real face, can be scary for some.. and I do not want to drive people away from me. The urges, the no-nos, the instincts, are all being suppressed by this mere cover of me.

Ahh, loneliness is such a funny thing.. it makes you think so much, hence, this blog post. Weirdly, the feeling can come during times which you are not lonely at all. How to get rid of this feeling, I have no idea.

What is this source of loneliness?.. The answer to this is what I yearn for.

What is source of MY loneliness?.. Is it the urge to see some familiar faces again? Or is it the pain of waiting for the texts of that favourite someone?

I don't know.

The only thing I need right now,

Is probably a hug,

And someone to tell me,

'Stay strong. I am here for you.'


Jayden.