My incompetency to create consistent blog posts have been nothing short of disappointing. There were times which I had a strong urge to update my thoughts and feelings but somehow the ideas have dropped gradually. Looking back to what I have previously written, it has been a little more than 2 years that I actually left a mark here. However, in the year of 2018 I have decided to set myself a rule, which is to do a monthly update of my blog. This can include topics which can be very controversial as it will be from my point of view. I do understand my non-filter approach will shade a negative light on myself but I hope to help people see things from a different approach.
In this blogpost, let's take a stroll down my memory lane, back to the beginnings of my 3rd university year in September 2017. I could still distinctly remember that one rainy evening, when I was still sitting in my room contemplating on whether I should go to the basketball tryouts. Little did I know, this decision of mine would change every plan I have in my last year at university. I have been suffering from knee locking a few years ago prior to this, resulting from minor tears of the the meniscus and ACL in my knee. However, I used to able to unlock my knee successfully every time it happened. That particular evening, I heard a snap in my knee after landing from what seemed like a normal rebound. Immediately I knew I was in a disaster. I could not even straighten my knee, there was no way I could even move my leg. Ladies and gentlemen, this happened at the time before the university classes even begun.
This event left a bad taste in my mouth. For the three months in university, I had to maneuver around the hilly campus using a pair of crutches. The constant snapping in my knee due to every movement of my dangling leg left me with a hellish experience even during sleep. When the pain felt slightly better, I could start limping my way, knees locked, to classes and even my mentoring job. Now, you probably would have asked me, did you not go for surgery immediately? The answer is, I was on the waiting list of surgery, which could only take place in the following January (2017). Moreover, I fully understood the consequences of an ACL-Meniscus surgery, there was no way I could support myself immediately after the surgery. I needed assistance.
December 2016, my last Christmas in the UK, I flew back to Malaysia to receive surgery for my knee. 2 days after my arrival, I had my first ever surgery (as far as I can recall). On the surgery day, I found myself lying on the hospital bed, getting pushed in to the surgery room, challenging to stay awake after an anesthesia jab and failed miserably.
I literally counted myself to sleep.. 1,2,3..
The moment I opened my eyes, I was already in the midst of getting transfered to the hospital ward. Still shivering from the effects of the anesthesia, I caught a glimpse of my family members and the doctor standing by the corridor. I mustered some strength to ask the doctor, "did everything go well?" Before I could really get an answer, I fell back into sleep. When I was completely awake, I realised ironically, my knee was on full stretch and I could barely bend it. My leg was in pain and it was even worse than before, I could barely move it. For the second time since my fall, I felt a sense of helplessness. I feared for the worst, my leg would not be the same as before.
On the 3rd day of my hospitalisation, I had to LEARN to walk again. That morning, doctor stopped by my bedside and gave me a pair of 4-legged crutches. He told me with a stern look, "you have to learn how to walk normally". I dragged my body down the bed and immediately got to work. It has been 3 days since I have not felt the ground and as soon as my feet touch the floor, a jolt of pain ran through my leg. My left leg literally could not support my body and I could feel the other half was overworking to compensate. It took me almost 5 minutes just for me to get off my bed and reach the door of my ward. I was very much in distraught. Learning to walk again was tough, not just physically but also psychologically. It took me 15 minutes to support myself through a journey of 100 metres outside my ward and I could only curse at myself as nurses, visitors and other patients walked past me, staring. I have never been so helpless. As someone who boasts his speed in sports, my ego was completely crushed. This LEARNING went on til the 4th day, when I was given a 2 legged crutches, which I struggled more due to the weakened support and greater reliance of both my legs.
And it was on the very 4th day, I did not only curse to myself, I cursed to the sky and asked why before getting discharged on the very 5th day.
What came in the post-surgery phase required even more grit. Now, let me demonstrate how stiff and straightened my leg was. In my first session of my rehab, I could only do half-cycles on the cycling machine for the whole week. For me, cycling barely took any effort in the past. Now, I had to focus and put all my attention to it. To enhance my progress, I had an 8 sessions of intensive rehab lined up in 2 weeks right before I flew back to UK. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is definitely not enough of training to an ACL-ruptured leg back into strength. Due to my inability to walk, this brought me into a brand new experience in the airport. For the first time, I got to sat in the wheelchair and pushed all the way to the departure gate. This is also the first time, I got a taste (albeit just a little) of what being disabled felt. I grasped my crutches and my bag close to me as I was wheeled around in the airport. I had this unpleasant feeling whereby all eyes were set straight on me.
PEOPLE ARE BORN TO JUDGE. THERE IS NO WAY THAT AS HUMAN WE DO NOT JUDGE AT ALL. BEING judgemental, HOWEVER, IS A DIFFERENT STORY.
I shall end my story here. All in all, I am grateful that I have managed to recover well and am able to walk and play sports normally again. Despite that, I am slightly disappointed that I can no longer translate my competitive spirit on playing sports again. The fact that my leg has been under the knife meant that it would not be the same again, performance-wise and durability-wise.
That will be all from this post. I have lots more to share on my recovery but feel free to message me or just bringing this topic up the next time we meet.
Signing off,
Jayden
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